


The Experience Explanation

by Lauren (notalwaysweak)



Series: Arctic Circle [2]
Category: Big Bang Theory
Genre: Community: bbt_kink, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-03-03
Updated: 2011-03-03
Packaged: 2017-10-16 01:58:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/167198
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notalwaysweak/pseuds/Lauren
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set during 'The Quadripolar Exploration'. Raj gives Howard some insight as to just how he managed to get so experienced at sex.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The Big Bang Theory characters belong to Bill Prady et al. and are not used here for financial gain.
> 
> I do know about the constant daylight during summer in the Arctic. I'm operating on the theory that a research station would have some kind of automated window shutters to regulate 'day' and 'night' time so that the scientists' circadian rhythms didn't end up totally out of whack. Note how I completely fail to mention this anywhere in the story itself.
> 
> I would like to especially thank [**paranormalkitty**](http://paranormalkitty.livejournal.com/profile); without her infectious enthusiasm about Indian culture I wouldn't have learned about the Holi festival to be able to reference it here.

“You don’t get that good without practice,” Howard says after the third time Raj sucks him dry, and Raj nips his thigh just hard enough to show that he means it before crawling up to stretch out beside his best friend who now, apparently, comes with benefits.

“Don’t look at me, dude. You’re the one who brought condoms and lube to the Arctic. What were you going to do, hit on a polar bear?”

“Habit,” Howard, who is still regaining control over his breathing, says. “You never know when a chance might crop up. We might’ve had a hot chopper pilot drop us out here.”

“Keep telling yourself that.” Raj smoothes Howard’s bed-tousled hair back from his forehead; he looks older without the bangs hanging in his eyes.

“Condoms happen to be very useful in survival situations. You can use them as water bags, for example.”

“Oh yeah, and the strawberry-flavored lube was for what, in case we decided to make snow cones and ran out of topping?”

“God, imagine Sheldon’s _face_.” The two of them share a laugh, but then Howard asks again, or insinuates again, “Still, you must have done this before.”

“Played with my best friend’s North Pole? No.”

Howard smacks his arm. “It’s meant to be a compliment, stupid.”

Raj privately thinks that glancing up and seeing Howard biting down on the side of his own hand in an effort not to be noisy and alert the others was more of a compliment than anything concluded with “stupid”, but he’ll take what he can get.

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. I was just, you know, curious.”

Raj raises an eyebrow at him. “I’d guessed that much.”

Howard jabs him in the ribs; Raj catches his wrist and pulls him closer, and the conversation pauses while they tussle. Raj wins because Howard a) has all the upper body strength of a boiled string bean and b) doesn’t seem to be trying too hard to win. He keeps Howard pinned face down with one hand between his shoulderblades; the other hand lazily explores Howard’s body, fingertips skimming over his pale skin, making Howard squirm.

It doesn’t take very long to get Howard doing more than just squirm, which is good, because Raj is still aroused. In the short span of time since the stupid pillow fight (what an idiotic, clichéd way to start things off; they were only the wrong gender away from being a slumber party porno), the only dynamic they’ve really established is that Howard almost always gets off first. It’s not out of greed or selfishness, it’s just how it is. Neither of them is always the top or the bottom, which is nice; Raj hates getting stuck in one role and always has.

Tonight, though, as he holds Howard down with one hand and opens the lube with the other, he knows which he wants to be.

It’s only the second time they’ve done this and Howard is naturally tense. Raj has to take his time soothing him open and the room smells of fake strawberry by the time he’s ready. Howard’s making a real effort not to be noisy, aware of how thin the walls are, but the disappointed noise he makes when Raj takes his hand away is at once clearly audible and quite arousing.

“Be patient.”

“I _am_.”

Raj has zero trouble finding a condom because Howard packed enough for a polar bear orgy. It makes him feel oddly fond of his friend; however desperate and lonely and horny Howard might be at times, at least he’s not stupid about it.

Although thinking he might have had a chance to hook up with the chopper pilot _was_ kind of stupid.

Howard tenses again when Raj pushes against him, and Raj distracts him with a series of kisses to the back of his neck until Howard’s gasping and Raj can ease in an inch or so.

“Okay?”

“Mfff.” Howard’s biting his hand again.

Raj takes this as a yes and pushes in further, eyes closing at the sensation of tight heat. Howard’s legs spread wider as Raj sinks into him and Raj wishes he’d rolled Howard over first so he could watch his face, but this feels too good to back out now, as it were.

Next time.

* * *

He manages to avoid the subject of his experience until the night that the heat goes out, when Leonard brings it up, and that reminds Howard that he doesn’t know yet.

They have the whole day to get through first, with its inherent awkwardness as the other three don’t seem to know quite where to look, and by the end of it Raj wants to just yell at them, _Guys, be cool, okay? Can’t you learn to just enjoy things like this when they happen and move on?_ He knows he should think the whole thing was weirder than he does, but he just _doesn’t_.

The way that Sheldon and Leonard keep sneaking little kisses and hugs when they think nobody’s watching is pretty funny, though. He never thought he’d see Sheldon be so touchy-feely, but it’s like the dam around Sheldon’s affections has broken and now they’ve started seeping out.

Finally their work day ends and they gather around the television for a fuzzy episode or two of _Star Trek_ and the delightful freeze-dried food of the night (pasta that was apparently made by someone learning to make pasta using a recipe translated from Italian to English via Klingon). Raj waits until Howard is done eating and drapes an arm casually around his shoulders; Howard seems surprised but leans against him after a moment. Good. Last night Howard was giving the other two a running commentary on a handjob; the least he can do in the light of day is be at least vaguely demonstrative.

The other two are being uncharacteristically quiet. Normally _Star Trek_ episodes come with a running Sheldonommentary, but this time he’s just watching the show, long legs tucked up under himself, a faraway expression on his face.

It’s only when Raj gets up to clear their plates that he notices their linked hands, Leonard’s thumb rubbing slowly over Sheldon’s fingers.

Cute. Weird, but cute.

* * *

Bedtime can’t be put off forever, even if there seems to be a degree of reluctance on certain people’s parts to go to bed, mostly on the part of Dr Eidetic Memory who’s clearly got last night irrevocably imprinted on his brain and doesn’t know whether he wants it to happen again or whether he should just go outside and try to walk home. But finally Leonard and Sheldon disappear into their room, and Raj leads Howard into theirs, where the beds are still pushed together, dryer-fresh sheets and blankets artfully spread to make it look more like a double instead of two singles.

Howard lets out a little surprised laugh. “When did you do this?”

“Earlier.”

“Nice.” Howard gives him a slightly shy smile. “I’m not used to anyone but my mom thinking of things like this.”

“First off, I am not your mom, so don’t even make that comparison, and secondly, I really hope your mom _doesn’t_ come up with ways to make your sex life more convenient, “cause dude, that’s just disturbing.”

“She’s the one who picked out my black satin sheets.”

“Still disturbing.”

“And my matching pajamas.”

“I’m sleeping on the couch.”

Howard pulls him close before Raj can even pretend to open the door and walk out, which he wasn’t going to do anyway, and then Howard’s kissing him and he’s not at all hesitant about it any more, not like the first few nights.

Although to be fair, going from sharing a room to sharing a bed never goes as smoothly as it theoretically should, no matter how natural the progression seems.

They get as far as in bed and shirtless (and very grateful for the heat) when Howard asks _again_ , “Are you ever gonna tell me how you got so experienced?”

Raj lets out the same sort of beleaguered sigh that Sheldon does when someone’s pestering him, and curls an arm around Howard’s shoulders. “All _right_ then. Story time it is.”

“Do I get cookies and cocoa?”

“No, we ate the last of the cookies seven weeks ago and I’m not getting back up just to make you cocoa. Now be quiet.”


	2. Chapter 2

**  
_New Delhi, India  
March 1998_ **

Raj was going to be spending the day alone, or at least without his family. Priya was studying (“You eyes will go square if you sit inside reading all day!” “Good, then I won’t have to go outside at all because you’ll be too ashamed of your sister with the square eyes!”), and Sanjay and Tariq had gone out early to chase girls. Nanda and Manoj were too young to go alone and Raj had no intention of babysitting them all day, so he snuck out before his parents could catch him and ask him to take the little ones out with him.

(Priya got stuck with trying to mind them and study at the same time and yelled at him for it later, but by the time later rolled around Raj no longer cared. He had other things on his mind.)

He wasn’t alone for long. He’d gotten barely six steps down the street before someone called, “ _Holi hai_ , Rajesh!” from behind him and he turned around into a faceful of pink powder that made him cough, and a splash of perfumed water that made him splutter.

“Thanks a lot!” He rubbed the resulting glop out of his eyes and blinked them open to see Tanvir with a bowlful of gulaal and Haroon with a pichkari swinging from his hand. Both of them were laughing. He didn’t know them terribly well; they were two years ahead of him at school and had a reputation for loafing around and drinking instead of studying.

“You’re a pretty pink princess, Rajesh,” Haroon said, grinning. He clearly hadn’t escaped his companion’s attention either; his dark hair was full of pink powder.

Raj slipped his hand into the covered bucket he was carrying. “Princess _this_!” He’d pre-filled several water balloons with rang and threw one of them now; his aim was precise and Haroon took a stumbling step backwards as a broad green splatter appeared on his chest. _Bull’s-eye_!

Tanvir whooped. “He got you good, Hari!”

Haroon aimed the water gun at Raj and squirted him again. “The day’s only just started,” he said. “Come on. Let’s go.”

Raj ran with them down the street towards the distant sounds of the festival, feeling absurdly pleased to be included with the older boys, even if they didn’t have the world’s best reputation.

* * *

When the sun finally began to set Raj was worn out, his throat sore from yelling and laughing, and his clothes thoroughly soaked through with water and covered in various shades of gulaal. His head was spinning from the amount of bhang ki thandai he’d drunk at Haroon and Tanvir's instigation, but it was a good sort of spinning. Everything seemed brighter and louder and happier, somehow. He tried to explain this to Tanvir and only got a laugh in response.

“Hari, he’s wasted.”

“Not my fault!”

“Come on, let’s take him home.”

Raj thought of staggering into the front hall of his house like this, soaked and messy and drunk, and shook his head. “No, Daddy will kill me if he sees me like this.”

Haroon laughed. “You still call your father “Daddy”?”

“Leave him alone.” Tanvir slipped his arm around Raj’s shoulders, holding him up. “You can come to my place. My parents are travelling, they won’t mind.”

Raj vaguely heard the two of them talking about something over his head, but he was concentrating too hard on keeping his feet pointed forward and not stumbling to properly pay attention.

He spent years wishing he’d listened to them. The ensuing events might have made more sense and been less surprising if he had.

* * *

Tanvir’s house was smaller than his, but then most people’s were and he’d long ago learned not to comment on it. Tanvir hauled him into the bathroom and unceremoniously dumped him into the tub.

“He looks like a pride flag,” Haroon said, leaning over to turn the shower on.

“I guess it’s appropriate.”

Raj spluttered. “That’s _freezing_!” He struggled to get to his feet and made it as far as sitting on the floor of the tub, the water running over him gradually turning the colors into a muddy blend that sludged its way down the plughole. He started tugging at his saturated clothes, not really thinking about the other two being there, just about getting clean and dry.

Tanvir was pulling his own clothes off and Raj nearly jumped out of the tub in surprise when he joined Raj under the shower’s spray and started adjusting the heat, casually naked and apparently heedless of Raj’s wide-eyed stare.

“Don’t freak the kid out, Tan.”

“I’m not a _kid_ ,” Raj said, teeth chattering.

“That’s true.” Haroon knelt by the tub and helped Raj disentangle himself from his wet clothes, getting him to lift each foot slowly so he didn’t fall over. The white porcelain was covered in colored streaks. “You’re old enough to have a girlfriend. But you don’t. Why’s that?”

Raj froze, and not because of the water temperature. “I -- just don’t.”

“Don’t you like girls?”

“I like girls. I have trouble talking to them. That’s _all_.” Raj stood up, half thinking of leaving, and Haroon stood with him, stepping easily into the tub and blocking his escape route. It was getting crowded and steamy and Raj’s head was still spinning and Haroon didn’t help matters by pulling Raj’s top off a little too forcefully and dropping it on the tiled floor with a _splat_.

“You sure that’s all?”

“Hari, don’t be pushy.” Tanvir’s hands crept around Haroon's waist, tugging his shirt upwards, and Raj froze again against the wall as he finally realized exactly what was going on here.

“Hey. Raj, don’t panic.” Haroon stretched his arms up to let Tanvir strip the sodden shirt off him and Raj couldn’t help but let his eyes fixate on Haroon’s upper body because for someone who allegedly spent his days getting drunk and his nights getting drunker he was in remarkably good shape.

 _No_. He’d spent the last few years since hitting puberty convincing himself that he was into girls and only girls and that sooner or later he’d be able to talk to them and then everything would be fine--

\--and then Tanvir’s hands were easing Haroon’s pants down and Raj still couldn’t look away and couldn’t tell himself that this wasn’t happening and that he wasn’t at least a little curious.

He had to close his eyes and lean his head against the cool tile wall to stop his brains from spinning right out of his head. He could hear the other two splashing, a quiet laugh from Tanvir, and then Haroon’s hushed moan of, “ _Krishna_.”

“I don’t think any of his gopis were male, Hari,” Tanvir said, voice coming from somewhere around waist level, and Haroon laughed before letting out a wordless moan, and Raj _had_ to open his eyes then.

Nobody talked about this. They just _didn’t_. Oh, sure, he heard rumors, and sometimes guys” names got scrawled on the toilet walls with rude terms accompanying them, but nobody _talked_ about it. The world ran on prearranged marriages and carefully arranged inheritances and neatly pressed school uniforms and there was no place in it for anything like what he was now witnessing.

The time for talking was done, though. Apart from anything else, Tanvir had his mouth thoroughly occupied.

Haroon was leaning forward, one hand braced against the wall, the other on Tanvir’s shoulder. Tanvir had both arms wrapped around Haroon’s thighs and Raj could see his throat working as he sucked. It was frightening and wrong and exciting all at once, and Raj no longer had the desire to leave.

There was desire building in him, yes, but not the desire to leave.

Both of them were now thoroughly washed clean of the colors, leaving only bare skin covered in water rivulets. Haroon’s lean body was tense as he leaned against the wall, his hair hanging in messy tangles around his face. His eyes were closed and he was breathing heavily. Tanvir’s round cheeks were somewhat hollowed out with the effort he was making; he looked shorter than ever as he knelt in the limited space, but when he opened his eyes for a moment to roll them up at Raj and tip him a wink there was no indication of discomfort on his face.

Just two people, sharing pleasure.

It was lucky Tanvir’s parents _weren’t_ home, because if the racket the three of them had made getting in the front door hadn’t been enough to arouse their suspicions, the guttural moan that Haroon let out when he came would have done it. His hips jerked forward and his hand tightened perceptibly on Tanvir’s shoulder; Raj wondered how a body so tense could go even tenser at the moment of climax.

Haroon took a step back and sat down on the edge of the tub; Tanvir turned his head and spat down the plughole. Both of them looked up at Raj, who felt terribly exposed and aroused.

“Sorry,” Tanvir said, smiling a little. “That might have been a bit much.”

“You still have pink in your hair, princess,” Haroon said.

“Oh yeah, well, your _face_ is pink,” was the only thing that Raj could think of to say, mainly because it was the safest color and body part he could currently comment on without his face changing hue to match his hair.

Both of them just laughed. Haroon ran one hand through Tanvir’s hair, making a face as it came away covered in brown muck. “We should get you cleaned up,” he said, rising unsteadily to his feet. Tanvir remained on his knees. That had to be uncomfortable by now. Why wouldn’t the world stop spinning?

Haroon’s hand on his arm pulled him forward, under the now-warm shower spray. It felt a lot better than the freezing needles it had been. Raj closed his eyes and turned his face up to the spray, feeling the water wash the powder and other mess away. Haroon’s hand moved to his back, half supporting him, half tracing a warm line that sent a shiver down his spine.

When he felt Tanvir’s breath on him Raj shuddered but stayed still.

“You can leave if you want to,” Haroon said, mouth close to Raj’s ear, his tone sincere and comforting. “But it feels good.”

“Don’t want to leave,” Raj heard himself say, as if his voice was disconnected from his mind, like something in a distant dream. Everything, _everything_ he’d been brought up believing was being turned upside down. People said this was dirty and wrong, but the way the two of them looked at each other said something else entirely.

Haroon’s arm tightened around Raj’s waist and the fingers of his other hand combed through Raj’s hair, spilling water and color down his body. Or so he assumed. His eyes were still tight shut. And even if they’d been opened, they would have closed again as Tanvir’s mouth, exponentially warmer than the water, took him in. His hands fisted closed, nails biting into his palms, and he heard a guttural moan and it took a long long moment to realize it was coming from his own throat.

If this was wrong, then he didn’t want to be right.

Tanvir’s mouth moved on him, lips closed softly around him, tongue stroking his shaft. Raj would have fallen if not for Haroon’s arm around him and as it was his knees were threatening to buckle. He’d had dreams about something like this before, but dreams didn’t measure up to the reality, even if the reality he’d had in mind had involved a girl rather than the two boys.

Didn’t matter. Felt good.

Felt _so_ good.

He knew he was about to come, tried to say as much, and only managed another moan. It seemed to be a noise that they were both familiar with though, because Haroon stopped playing with his hair and held him tighter instead and Tanvir quickened his pace and Raj had just enough time for one more second of disbelief that he was here and having this done to him before he came.


	3. Chapter 3

“So that’s how you got good at this, one mad night of drunken passion as some couple’s toyboy? I’m assuming ‘bhang’ is some sort of alcohol.”

“Some sort,” Raj says. “But it wasn’t one night. Probably closer to one hundred.”

Howard’s face is nuzzled in against the side of Raj’s neck so Raj can’t see his expression, but he can hear the disbelief in Howard’s voice. “A _hundred_?”

“Not consecutively. Over a year and a half.”

“A year and a half!”

“Dude. I was young and horny and couldn’t talk to girls. What was I supposed to do?”

“I don’t know, buy a lot of tissues?”

“Was that _your_ solution?”

“Well, it was my mom’s idea...”

“Get out of my bed.”

“There’s only so many loads of laundry you can blame on wet dreams.”

“ _Out_.”

Howard, predictably, doesn’t move, nor does Raj make him.

“So just how much _did_ you learn from them?”

“That would be telling. I have to have _some_ surprises.” He feels the shiver of anticipation run through Howard’s body and grins into the darkness.

“Do you still see them when you visit home?”

“They’re exclusive now, especially with their baby girl in the house, but they still have time for their pretty pink princess.”

Howard snorts. “They still call you _princess_?”

“As my Jewish-American Princess, I’d expect you to unders-- ow! Howard! That’s _not_ somewhere you’re supposed to bite!”

“But I’ve kissed you there before.”

“Well, you don’t do it like that. You do it like--”

“Oh. _Ohhh_!”

“Mmmm.”

The explanation takes some time to demonstrate thoroughly, during which Raj comes twice, Howard comes once, and Leonard throws something that sounds like either a ski boot or Sheldon’s Batman cookie jar at the adjoining wall.

* * *

“Did you break up with them because you came here?” Howard asks when it’s all over and they’re resting again.

Raj stifles a yawn and looks at the clock, which is really the only way to tell that it’s after midnight considering the rarely-changing quality of the light here. “Can’t this wait until tomorrow?”

“Right, okay.” Then Howard yawns. “I caught your yawning.”

“Suck it up, buttercup.”

“Okay, okay. Night, princess.”

“You ass,” Raj says, and kisses him goodnight.

Long after Howard’s breathing has evened into the slow cadence of sleep, Raj lies awake staring into the darkness and remembering.


	4. Chapter 4

_  
**New Delhi  
August 1999** _

Raj learned a lot from them over time. They spent a lot of nights at Tanvir’s parents” place, or at the tiny apartment Haroon ended up living in after his parents kicked him out, and it gave them a lot of opportunities to try things that two people couldn’t do. Aside from sex, they also taught him how not to get caught sneaking back into his own parents” place, how to cover up love bites on his neck, and how to talk about sex without necessarily mentioning exactly what it was he was doing and with who -- something he found more and more useful the older he got.

He still couldn’t speak to women outside of his immediate family, but for a year and a half it didn’t seem to matter.

They didn’t have regular meeting nights or anything, but Raj knew that if Tanvir’s parents were in town, the two of them would probably be at Haroon’s. The weather was turning cold; he put a scarf on and looked around carefully before slipping out the front door. His parents had frowned upon him hanging around with the guys at all, but fortunately they had no idea (he hoped) as to what was really going on.

When he got to Haroon’s apartment the door was locked and although he knocked there was no answer. He was _sure_ they would have been there.

Tanvir’s parents” car was parked in the driveway at his house. It took Raj a good five minutes to get up the nerve to go and knock on the door, but when he did Tanvir’s father answered. He had no idea where Tanvir was but wasn’t too concerned; Tanvir did this all the time, disappeared off to who knew where, and he’d be home soon, he always was.

Raj thanked him and then started searching in earnest.

After trying all of their favorite haunts, even the hill behind the school where they’d sometimes blown off class and gone to sit and talk and occasionally sneak little touches if they were positive nobody was watching, Raj finally ended up outside the trauma centre of the local hospital.

Haroon was sitting there on the low brick wall, smoking, the blood on his face dried to brown, like the mucky mess the colors had made when they were all mixed together.

“They won’t let me in to see him,” he said in response to the question that Raj hadn’t asked. “I’m not family and... they said if I wasn’t his partner in the first place he wouldn’t be in there.”

Raj didn’t know where to look, what to do, what to say.

Haroon crushed the cigarette out on the bricks and looked up. His eye was puffy, the skin above and below it split, still drooling a little blood. Raj realized he smelled wrong, like sweat and blood and piss.

“What happened?” Raj managed at last.

“Sometimes people don’t stick to throwing powder and squirting water.” Haroon looked down at his hands and then back at Raj. “You know people don’t approve of people like us, princess. I’m just glad you weren’t with us.”

“I should’ve been there.” Raj sat down and put his arm around Haroon’s shoulder and Haroon let him for a moment before gently pushing him away.

“Better that you weren’t. He’s in there... I...” Haroon reached up and touched his puffy eye. “He should be all right, they told me that much, but I can’t see him.”

“Maybe I could get in.”

“Raj, no.”

Raj was already on his feet. “I’ll pretend I’m his cousin. They won’t know.”

“I don’t want you getting caught up in this!”

But Raj went anyway.

* * *

He picked the busiest-looking nurse to ask for directions; as he’d hoped she was so harried that when he said he was Tanvir’s cousin she just nodded and gave him a room number and pointed down a corridor.

At least it wasn’t intensive care or a trauma ward; it was just a regular room with a double row of beds and a double row of patients and an eerie, hushed quality to the sound that the single nurse made as she shuffled from bed to bed. She didn’t even bat an eyelid when Raj walked in, spotted Tanvir, and sat down beside him.

He looked like shit, but was breathing normally. An IV dripped saline into his arm. His eyes were closed, eyelids paler than usual. Raj took his hand and Tanvir’s eyes fluttered open.

“Hari?” His eyes focused. “Princess... you shouldn’t be here.”

“I had to see you. I had to know you were all right.”

Tanvir coughed and winced, and Raj eased the side of the sheet down to see the stark white of a bandage around his ribs. “You need to get out of here before they realize you’re not related to me.”

“They won’t.”

“They will. One of the nurses was meant to be calling my parents.”

“Oh.” Raj’s fingertips skimmed over the bandage, then over Tanvir’s skin above it, up to his shoulder. “Maybe I _should_ go.”

“Neither of us wanted you to get involved in this sort of thing.”

“What, you didn’t think I knew what people do to people like us?” Raj’s hand tightened on Tanvir’s. “I should have been there with you.”

Tanvir gave him a pained smile. “It’s better that you weren’t. At least this way you get to remember the good times and not worry about being hit in the face with a rock.” His thumb moved over Raj’s hand. “Not your pretty face, princess.”

“Give me a break.” Raj couldn’t be mad at him. He glanced around, looking for the nurse; she was taking someone’s temperature at the far end of the room. He leaned in and kissed Tanvir quickly on the lips. “Just get better, okay? I’ll see you when you get out.”

As he was leaving he saw Tanvir’s parents on their way in. He ducked out of sight and waited until they’d passed before going outside.

Haroon had retreated to sit behind one of the few trees out the front of the hospital, but Raj saw the smoke curling up and just knew. When he got closer he could smell it and knew it wasn’t a regular cigarette.

“He’s awake,” he said without preamble, dropping to one knee beside Haroon, who gasped and then coughed. “His parents have gone in to see him.”

“I know. I saw them.”

“Did they see you?”

“No. I moved before they could.” Haroon’s voice sounded like he was asleep. “They don’t like me much.”

“They probably like you less now,” Raj said before he could think about it, then winced. “Sorry...”

Haroon laughed, although not very sincerely. “Don’t worry about it. I thought the same thing.” He offered Raj the joint and Raj drew on it without thinking. “You should get out of here before _your_ parents start worrying.”

Raj leaned in and kissed him, heedless this time of who might or might not be watching. “I’ll see you again soon,” he promised, before getting up to hurry home.

* * *

His parents were waiting for him at the front door. Raj was suddenly sure that he was in deep boom-boom.

“Rajesh, where have you _been_?” His mother swooped down on upon him, arms going tight around him. Raj prayed she wouldn’t smell the weed on him. “I’ve been so worried!”

“We’ve been waiting to talk to you, son,” his father rumbled.

Deep, _deep_ boom-boom. “Um... why?”

“Your acceptance letter came today! You’re going to college!”

All of a sudden all Raj could hear was his heart thumping in his ears. Their words didn’t make sense any more, their congratulations, not in the face of what he’d seen earlier in the day. He wasn’t sure how he got through the next few hours, only that when he finally got to bed, it felt very lonely.


	5. Chapter 5

“So was that when you moved here?” It’s breakfast time the following morning; Leonard and Sheldon haven’t made an appearance yet, and Raj would prefer not to speculate upon what’s keeping them in their bedroom.

“Yeah. I didn’t get to see Tanvir when he got out of hospital. Haroon sent me an email to tell me they’d moved in together about six months later, and I got one two days after that from my mummy to say she was glad she’d warned me away from them because it wasn’t natural.”

“But I thought she was okay with them.” Howard adds boiling water to a bowl of powdered eggs and starts stirring them.

“She is _now_. This was _years_ ago.” Raj puts down the plates and stops Howard’s hands for a moment, clasping them between his own. Howard looks at him, startled. “The truth is, Howard, I’m surprised that they didn’t get killed. Even these days I’m surprised someone doesn’t decide to go after them, because it doesn’t matter how many pride marches they hold in India, I don’t think it’s ever going to be okay to be gay.”

Howard laughs a little nervously. “It can’t be that bad.”

Raj just looks at him until Howard’s eyes drop to their linked hands, and Raj knows that Howard knows that it _can_ be that bad. Not just back home, either, but anywhere.

“Does this mean... this _has_ to stay in the Arctic?” Howard asks, still looking down at their hands. “I’m not embarrassed about you or anything, I just--”

Raj lifts one hand and puts it under Howard’s chin, tilting it up so Howard has to meet his eyes, and stills his mouth with a kiss.

“Oh, God, you two, get a room,” Leonard says in his soft pre-coffee mumble, moving on autopilot from his bedroom door to the coffee machine, barely looking at them.

“This _is_ a room,” Howard retorts.

“You know what I meant.”

Somewhere between brewing coffee and frying eggs and Sheldon emerging to criticize the darkness and lack of Cylon-ness of the toast, the answer of whether or not they’re going to keep this to the Arctic doesn’t get answered. But, Raj hopes, it got answered in that one kiss.


End file.
